“The best time to work on your marriage is before you have one” -Unknown (rather Forgotten)

I read this quote several months ago, either stand-alone or in a book (hence why I attributed the author to ‘Forgotten’), and ever since then, it has me thinking: in what ways have I worked on my marriage as a single person?

Marriage has always been prevalent in my life as I grew up with parents who were married and my favorite movie as a little girl was Bride Wars. I immediately started planning my wedding after watching it for the first time. 

I’ve spent the majority of my teens and twenties single, having been in one serious, long-term relationship before the one I’m currently in. 

Looking back, I’ve realized there are a lot of things I’ve done and am still doing to prepare for my future marriage, so I wanted to share those tips with you. 

Be warned, though, I am not married, nor have I ever been. So, I have no idea if these work or not. But perhaps ten years down the line, when I’m happily married and a Best Selling Author (manifestation, baby), I’ll update you. 

Single and Working On It

Instead of being ‘Single and ready to mingle,’ more people should be ‘Single and working on it.’ By ‘it,’ I mean your ability to be a good partner and foster a healthy marriage. 

Instead of being so focused on finding the right partner, be focused on being the right partner for others. How can you make yourself a strong partner? How can you improve your empathy, humility, and kindness, all essential aspects of a strong relationship?

I’m not talking about “Oh man, Johnny is so cute. But he only likes gamer girls. Maybe I’ll try gaming so he’ll like me.” 

No, no, no, no. What I mean is that if you want to be in a relationship, be the type of person you would want to be in a relationship with. 

The tips I’m about to share fall under the Self-Improvement category of ‘How Can I Be A Better Partner in General.’ 

Here are four things to reflect on and work on when you’re single that will make a huge difference in your future (and current) relationships. 

*Note that all of these things are important to work on both when you’re single and when you’re in a not-marriage relationship. Relationships take constant work and improvement from both parties.*

#1- How You Internalize Feedback/Criticism From Others

When you’re single, it’s important to understand how you internalize feedback and criticism from others. Especially from people you know and love. 

It’s one thing for your boss to tell you that you need to get your work done faster. It’s another thing to have your mom tell you that you’re not really that nice of a person. 

How you internalize criticism is important because, more likely than not, you will receive criticism from your spouse. 

It’s only natural that when you get to know someone so deeply and spend so much time with them, you start to recognize their flaws. 

Would you agree that if your spouse had a flaw that you recognized, you would probably view it as worthwhile to bring up, depending on what it is?

In that same way, your partner will probably recognize your flaws and choose to bring them up to you. What are you going to do then?

Are you going to automatically put the defenses up? Are you going to blame someone else? Will you retaliate with your partner’s flaws? Or will you internalize it and let it fester negativity towards your partner?

Start understanding how you receive and internalize criticism. It can make or break a relationship. 

#2- How You Get Through Difficult Times

How do you get through difficult times? 

More importantly, how do you handle your relationships during tough times? Do you shut people out or heavily rely on others to help you through hard times?

Understanding how others play a role in your hardships is important. 

Personally, I struggle with asking for help when I am going through something tough. I don’t want to inconvenience other people and place a burden on them by sharing my hardships, so I opt to work through everything alone.

This, however, is not healthy for a romantic partnership. I had to learn that it’s okay to ask for help and that I (and my problems) are not a burden on others. 

Being able to let someone in on your hardships and what you’re experiencing breeds depth in a relationship you wouldn’t get otherwise. 

Next time you’re having a bad day, or you are going through a tough experience, take note of who you rely on and how you rely on them. 

Having this understanding not only allows you to better manage personal conflict with a partner but it allows you the ability to communicate to your partner what you need from them during hardship. 

#3- How You Show and Receive Love

While you’re single, try to gain a grasp on how you show and receive love. 

How do you care for others? How do you show someone else that you love them?

When do you feel loved by someone else? Is it when they hug you? When they pick you out a special gift? When they text you every morning, “Good morning, my love”?

Knowing how you show and receive love provides another layer of insight into the type of partner you will be. 

Being aware of how you show and receive love also allows you to be more in tune with how your partner shows and receives love. You’ll be more apt to notice the ways they show they love you and what makes them feel more loved when you’re familiar with your own. 

#4- How You Show and Express Your Feelings

This is one is probably the hardest, and I’ll have to admit- it is an ever-evolving process. 

When you’re single or in a not-marriage relationship, it’s vital to understand how you effectively and ineffectively communicate your feelings. 

I will preface with the fact that how you communicate your feelings will be dependent on who you’re communicating with. So, there will be a learning curve in how you express your feelings so that the person you’re talking to understands them.

For example, my dad and I joke that we basically have the same brain, operating very similarly to humans. I know that I don’t have to explain things to him very much for him to understand how I feel. 

My mom, on the other hand, I have to explain things a little differently and give examples so she more clearly understands how I feel and what I’m going through. 

That’s totally okay and completely manageable for me. I know that I will have to explain my feelings and emotions a little differently for each key support person I have in my life. 

Knowing how you feel and being able to communicate it effectively is important. However, knowing how to tend to communicate ineffectively is vital.

If, when you’re upset, you’re more likely to yell because you’re frustrated…you have to be aware of that. Or if you’re more likely to cry when talking about a hard or sensitive subject, you have to learn how to overcome and manage that. 

It’s okay to make mistakes as you learn how to effectively communicate. But be aware of them and make the intentional effort to make a change. The change may not happen immediately, but your effort will show as time progresses. 

Real Talk

Being single can be a blessing, even if it feels lonely and isolating. 

You are in charge of how your mindset is when you’re single- do you dread it because all it means is loneliness and jealousy? Or do you feel comfortable in it because you can work on yourself and enjoy being able to do what you want when you want? 

Taking time to work on who you are as a partner before and while you’re in a not-marriage relationship is one brick in the building of a strong relationship. 

It’s one way to honor your future partner and marriage and to put your best foot better. 

It’s a great way to build a strong foundation that can withstand any natural disaster. 

Working on these things may be tough, but it’s always worth it. It makes you a better partner and, more importantly, a better person, being deeply in tune with these aspects of yourself.