The year is 2020, and the month is March. Lockdown caused by a virus called COVID-19 caused the exodus of my first college dorm into boxes, which now reside in the garage of my childhood home. 

I’m struggling to grapple with the fact that in a blink of an eye what was once the peak of my social life had become the most isolated period of my life.

No friends. No classmates. No professors. No extended family. Not even any strangers. 

The isolation I felt due to the rise of the Covid-19 pandemic was one I had never felt before. 

I didn’t interact with any of my online classmates. My extracurriculars were canceled. And the constant proximity to my brother, mom, and dad made me further isolate myself. 

For the first time in my life, I came face to face with a fear that had never been realized before- monophobia, or the fear of being alone. 

Why Did I Fear Being Alone?

This fear can manifest for everyone differently, but I knew exactly why I didn’t want to be alone. 

Being alone meant more time with myself. More time spent in a space scarier than a haunted house…my mind.

I was so uncomfortable with my mind and the thoughts I had, I booked my social calendar to the limits. I need to be constantly surrounded by noise. 

Because you know what you can’t properly do when surrounded by constant noise? Think. 

Fast forward a year, and I returned to college with my classes and extracurriculars taking on a ‘new normal.’ 

During my re-entry into the social world, I realized that I couldn’t be afraid of my mind forever. I couldn’t spend my whole life fearing time spent alone. 

So, I decided to challenge that fear. Here’s what I did to overcome the fear of being alone. Hopefully, it can help you do the same. 

How I Overcame The Fear of Being Alone

For me, overcoming the fear of being alone was closely tied to overcoming the fear of my own mind and thoughts. 

I knew that the fear of my own thoughts was disguised as the fear of being alone. But for you, it could be different. 

It’s important to understand exactly why you don’t like spending time alone. So, take the time needed to reflect on the root of your fear.

I didn’t like spending time alone because that meant I was alone with my thoughts. And at the time of recognizing this fear, I had not learned what it looked like to be in control of your thoughts and have the ability to properly manage them. 

You may not like spending time alone for different reasons though. Maybe you’re not comfortable with who your true self is, so you don’t want to spend time alone.

Perhaps there’s some sort of trauma you’ve experienced that has made you uncomfortable being alone, preferring the company of others. 

Although it seems obvious that the first step in understanding why you experience a problem is to reflect, it’s worth mentioning the importance of explicitly understanding why you feel the way you do.

Good, productive reflection means spending intentional time thinking about things sans judgment and criticism of yourself.  

You need to admit to yourself bluntly why you feel the way you do in order to take the steps necessary for change. 

Now, Do the Thing You Don’t Want to Do

Learning how to be okay with spending time alone is like riding a bike- you should start with training wheels. 

The training wheels, in this case, are spending time alone but still having activities to partake in.

Spending time alone but distracting your mind can ease this transition. It allows you to spend time alone but not necessarily alone with your mind. 

You can be focused on running errands, knitting, watching a movie, or playing chess. But you’re still spending time alone. 

As this becomes more and more comfortable, you then need to intentionally make the time to be alone with yourself and your thoughts. 

The Paradigm Shift

It can be really overwhelming to be alone with your thoughts. Trust me, you’re not alone in this feeling. 

But the reality is, you’re never going to be able to fully escape your thoughts. They’ll always be there, whether on the surface or deeply buried. 

The first thing I had to do was shift my mindset to understanding that I can define how I perceive my thoughts. 

The soundtrack of my mind can be whatever I want it to be.

During 2020 and soon after, the soundtrack of my mind was…

“This place is scary”

“This place is unknown”

“This place is where I overthink, the root of my anxiety, where my biggest fears and deepest regrets live”

I knew the first thing I had to do was grab the remote and change the channel. Here’s what I decided I wanted the anthem in my mind to be instead-

“This is where ideas are born.”

“Thoughts lead to understanding.”

“This place is beautiful and full of potential.”

“My mind is powerful; here lie the keys to what I’ve been looking for”

Once this paradigm shift happened, I knew that time spent alone with my thoughts could be used for my good instead of to my detriment. 

Real Talk

This is only the beginning of what my journey looked like in being more comfortable with spending time alone.

It really does start here though. In recognizing the root of the fear and changing the channel. Then taking the leap to do the thing that scares you. 

The human mind is beautifully complex and shouldn’t be something we are afraid of. 

We were gifted with something unique, something that separates us from all living creatures. 

Learning to be comfortable with your thoughts is like a superpower- it allows you to use them to the advantage of yourself and society. It’s where courage and greatness are bred.